Transpocus

Verse 1

There’s a warning in the family chat:
Don’t let your children look at that.
A woman in the bathroom glass—
Apparently the end at last.
They say she travels through the drains;
They say she’s coming for your brains.
The link’s been shared a thousand times.
That’s how you know it’s peer-reviewed, right?

Pre-Chorus

Got kids? She’ll make your children gay.
No kids? She’ll turn you anyway.
Already gay? She’ll make you straight.
Exceptions may apply. Please wait.

Chorus

Transpocus! Transpocus! Transpocus!
Mirror, mirror, hocus-pocus!
Here comes the trans boogeyman—
Lipstick, handbag, master plan.
Lock the doors and hide the youth!
God forbid they hear the truth:
Someone different might be fine.
Now say the scary bit three times.

Verse 2

I stepped out through the bathroom steam.
Somebody gave a little scream.
I said, “You called?” They said, “You’re here!”
I said, “Yes. That’s how calls work, dear.”
They handed me a list of tasks:
Recruit the children! Fix the maths!
Destroy the West by half past three!
“I’ve got a dentist. Honestly.”

Pre-Chorus

“Make him gay!” “But he likes men.”
“Well, make him something else again!”
“Which way round?” “We haven’t planned!”
“Does anybody understand?”

Chorus

Bridge

I can’t make your daughter gay.
I can hear what you don’t say.
She goes quiet when you laugh;
You keep forwarding the photograph.
If she ever needs your ear,
Will she think it’s safe in here?
I remember being small,
Hearing grown-ups through the wall.

Break

“What if I’m bisexual?”

“Apparently I have to come back twice.”

Final Chorus

Transpocus! Transpocus! Transpocus!
Get the bloody thing in focus!
Here comes the trans boogeyman—
Someone’s neighbour, someone’s gran.
All that thunder, all that dread,
All those monsters in your head.
I’ve got errands. You’ve got time.
Who taught you that nursery rhyme?

Outro

Transpocus. Transpocus. Transpocus.
Oh, look. The mirror’s showing us.
You’re still you, and I’m still me.

Now let me have a fucking pee.

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