Lawyer Up, Hit the Gym

Intro

Long-time lurker, first-time poster.
On mobile, sorry for formatting.

Verse 1

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
Me and my wife go way back, you see.
We've weathered every storm and every season,
and she's the best thing ever happened to me.
Well, last night I ate the last of her pad thai,
and she's been kinda quiet. I can't figure why.
So I'm asking all you good people of the thread,
A-I-T-A? And here's what they said:

Chorus

Lawyer up! Hit the gym!
Delete your Facebook, the outlook's grim!
There's red flags flying from every mast!
N-T-A, so divorce her fast!
Way, hey, hit reply!
Nine thousand strangers say kiss her goodbye!

Verse 2

Then the replies came rolling in like thunder,
nine thousand upvotes by the break of day.
A fella made a timeline and a pie chart.
"INFO: did she label it? What'd the lid say?"
Somebody's cousin had the same thing happen,
now she's living in a van out in Spain.
Another said, "This is how it starts, mate,"
and I scrolled until I couldn't feel my brain.

Chorus

Verse 3

Edit: wow, this really blew up.
Edit two: my inbox is a war.
Edit three: no, I'm not gonna leave her.
Edit four: she's standing at the door.

Bridge

But you don't know her, internet.
You weren't there in the waiting rooms.
She stayed through every year that fell apart
when anyone else would've moved.
And you want me to leave her over noodles?
Pal, I'm lucky that she's here.
So I'm logging off to buy her a double order,
and I'll be groveling for a year.

Then a comment got pinned from a username I knew:
"Hi, it's the wife. She's an idiot. I love her. She owes me two."

Final Chorus

Y-T-A! Y-T-A!
Buy her dinner, and buy it today!
Take them red flags down off the mast!
Hold on to that woman, and hold on fast!
Way, hey, hit reply!
Nine thousand strangers just changed their reply!

Outro

Final edit: she ate my fries.
We're even.
Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

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