Get It In Writing
Intro
Not sure if this counts as malicious compliance.
Mods, delete if not.
Bit of a long one. TL;DR at the bottom.
Verse 1
Eleven years I've sailed this ship.
I patch the leaks before they show.
I reboot the server, unjam the printer,
and the captain never has to know.
Then a brand-new captain came aboard
with a lanyard and a five-year plan.
Said, "No one touches anything without a ticket.
Do we understand?"
And I said:
Chorus
Aye, aye, Captain! Right away!
We'll file us a ticket and we'll wait three days!
By the book and by the letter, by the rule we go!
And if the ship goes down, well, the process says so!
Way, hey, get it in writing!
The whole thread's chanting, get it in writing!
Verse 2
Monday the coffee machine gave out.
Ticket four-oh-three.
Tuesday the Wi-Fi took the printer with it.
Estimated fix: Q3.
Get it in writing!
Paper trail, mate!
Wednesday the server room caught fire.
Filed it. Priority: low.
This is the way!
Lawyer up! Hit the gym!
Wrong thread.
And the captain's knee-deep in the bilge, yelling, "Somebody go!"
Chorus
Aye, aye, Captain! Right away!
We'll file us a ticket and we'll wait three days!
By the book and by the letter, by the rule we go!
And if the ship goes down, well, the process says so!
Way, hey, get it in writing!
The whole thread's chanting, get it in writing!
Verse 3
Thursday he came down to the engine room,
the water up around his tie.
Forget the tickets! Just fix it! Fix all of it!
And I looked him in the eye.
Can I get that in writing?
...Fine.
Bridge
'Cause nobody sees who bails the water
till the bucket's on the floor.
I kept this ship afloat eleven years,
and nobody wrote it down before.
Now there's four hundred tickets with my name on,
every leak I ever stopped.
So next time someone asks what I do all day,
I'll forward them the lot.
Chorus
Aye, aye, sailor! Take a bow!
Every leak you ever plugged is on the record now!
By the book and by the letter, it's all in the log!
So pour that sailor a pint of grog!
Way, hey, get it in writing!
The whole thread's cheering, she got it in writing!
Outro
TL;DR; New captain said no ticket, no fix. So I didn't.
Edit: Captain got promoted for "improving visibility."
Edit two: So did I.
Got it in writing.