Blame the Trans Vampire
Intro
Welcome to Transylvania.
Apparently, that’s political now.
We’ve been here for centuries.
Apparently, that makes it a conspiracy.
Verse 1
I’ve got a crypt in Transylvania.
The name provoked a moral mania.
The mayor said, “It’s plain to see—
They’ve put their lifestyle on the map!”
The harvest failed. The bridge fell down.
Some lord bought half the bloody town.
They let him keep his stolen gold
And asked how long I’d been enrolled.
Pre-Chorus
They came with stakes. They came with lists.
Apparently, my job exists:
To spoil the crops and sour the wine
And undermine the whole bloodline.
Chorus
Blame the trans vampire!
Tell them what I’ve done!
I’ve ruined all your children
And I haven’t met a single one.
Your king has emptied every vault.
Your priest says that’s my fault.
The world’s gone wrong! Call out the watch!
Darling, I was sleeping in a box.
Verse 2
The factory closed. The landlord smiled.
Some politician kissed a child,
Then stood beneath a flag and said,
“Beware the woman who’s undead!”
I asked about the price of cheese.
They asked what’s underneath my sleeves.
I showed my fangs. They barely cared.
My pronouns had them properly scared.
Pre-Chorus
I’ve watched a thousand empires fall.
You’d think I’d get a night off. No:
A senator’s on television—
There’s apparently a new edition.
Chorus
Blame the trans vampire!
Tell them what I’ve done!
I’ve ruined all your children
And I haven’t met a single one.
Your boss has bought another yacht.
Your pension’s gone. Connect the dots!
The world’s gone wrong! Call out the watch!
Darling, I was sleeping in a box.
Verse 3
The plague? The fog? The price of eggs?
The sudden fashion for bare legs?
Your second marriage? Disco? Jazz?
The dreadful year your football had?
The fall of Rome? The printer jam?
The traffic round the Hoover Dam?
I’d love to help establish when—
My diary just says “Slept again.”
Bridge
I’ve heard this through a hundred doors:
“You’re what we need protection for.”
Then someone young comes up the stair
To ask if they can shelter there.
I find a blanket. Make some tea.
They’re shaking when they look at me.
I know that knock. I know that dread.
I let them have the spare-room bed.
They asked if I was converting people.
Darling. It’s a sofa bed.
Final Chorus
Blame the trans vampire!
Put my face up on the screen!
Give me credit for disasters
In countries I have never seen.
There’s someone counting all your gold
While you rehearse the tale they told.
Go on—inspect my shoes and frocks.
He’s getting richer.
I’m still in the box.
Outro
Another torch.
Another mob.
Another man
Who kept his job.
And somehow—
Somehow—
I’m the one who sucks.
Outro
The council’s renamed Transylvania.
Traditional Family Vania.
Has that fixed the bridge?